Taking Notice

She stepped, gingerly, into the cluttered buzz.
The volume seemed to disperse in places; die down as she arrived.
Her antisocial desk faced the wall.
She could see why it was the one given to her. The only desk not attached to another. The only desk free of clutter - organised and colour coded to the smallest item.
She was a teaching freak.
'We've decided we're going to mess that up when you're not here. Can't have that!' The head of department had told her in the first week.
She enjoyed teaching.
But something inside her had got lost. Was this it. The amount of her that was drained and left grey to return home.
Noone said good morning.
She tried to catch someones' eye, smiling falteringly, at the male Asian teacher who looked up from his laptop briefly; after whispering and giggling to the blonde,whose desk area he shared.
She was ready, prepared for faces to turn, a greeting, a hand gesture.
Anything to convince her to stay.
She was semi-opaque, a transluscent sheet ready for OHP use.
Highlighting imperfections and weaknesses.
'Don't put baby in the corner.'
She wondered what people would say if she got up and randomly danced her way out of the room. Behaviour preserved for home. Comfortable working conditions.
She had never not wanted to go into work. She'd said it before, but never really meant it.
She hadn't stopped, half way there, paralysed by irrational forces pushing against her in the opposite direction.
She'd never experienced the vulnerbility, diluted authority, in lessons where students were peers.
Asked to criticise, empowered to bully, laugh and argue in a false sense of power. Misplaced. Wrong.
IT was her duty to nurture respect. the school's duty to empower her to nurture.
There was no hierarchy. Except amoung the staff.

Her absense, the mouse in the corner - missing, had been noted. Not tolerated. No questions asked.
She had nothing to lose.
She did not fit. She felt like Alice, swallowed by her own tears.
It was becoming harder.

But today was a little different.
She had a secret that she had noone to tell.
She smiled, felt others smile, reluctantly, back.
Her glow was evident.
This morning was different from all the other mornings. When she had forced herself to come in. Against every atom of her.
She was handing in her notice.